Tuesday, 18 September 2007

'An Ever fixed Mark'

...Shakespaere said 'Love is not love hat alters when alteraton finds...Nay it is an ever fixed mark'. In Dec 2005 in Shenynag on asnowly evening I met Shining again, having not seen her in about a year. Everyon ewho knows me knows Shining is extremely special to me and some would even go to argue taht she was more special to me tahn C-apparently this notion within SAU was common. I recall that meeting wih Shing almost 2 years ago now-the time which had elapsed seemed like a few minutes and we were enjoying each others company again. 2 years later I met Shining again...

This last Satururday we met and talked about times gone, joked abou marriage and then we both ealized taht our lives had moved on. She has found someone & I guess so have I. It is in one way hard to imagine taht Shining will be taken care of by someone other than me but I can accept this-if you eally love someone you only want them to be happy and lord knows I always just wanted this for S. We will alwaysd be the cloest friends but the fact that she feels she could never accept any reigion makes any relationship hard...but alas it was god to see her, it is always good to see her
Seems Amerca si about to attack Iran-god this Bush administration is retarded and Brown & that French moron are just as bad

All else is good :)

I wil try to blog more fre, i dobt however ifa nyone even reads this

Wednesday, 7 March 2007

! Fen, ! Jiao, 1 Yuan, 1 Pang..

I have been in China for 1 week now approximately. China always constitutes a rather interesting undertaking. In truth I am missing shanghai quite badly. Dalian is ok and the classes are going well-I just finished the syllabus and a chapter outline. Everything is quite good in that regard. The weather is pretty bad here though-it is better in shanghai. I may be flying back out to shanghai this weekend.

I saw Fen fen again-Ah miss my Hui Fen soooooo much!!Zemme ban?I am trying to juggle afewe things at one time and so far so good but let us see what the future will hold-hehe…

I am not really aare of the news back home-though it seems the cash for honours thing keeps coming up-hehe…I wonder what else is new…

I have a Missouri state University email address now_I should give that out…but gmail is ok for now…

I need to call home this weekend…

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark-Sonnet 116

It is 00.32/8/02/07

I am currently reading a wonderfully well written fatwa(Islamic legal ruling/decree) by sheikh Muhammed Afifi al Akiti entitled 'Defending The Transgressed By Censuring The Reckless Against The Killing Of Civilians'. This wonderful piece if work spells out in very clear language why suicide bombing and the killing of civilians is completely prohibited in Islam and anyone who suggests otherwise(like the morons of Al Mahajaroon-who I think should be banned alongside the vile BNP) are misguided and /or heretics. In response to aletter written by the moron Omar Bakari Muhammed who said in his letter '

it is acceptable for them to attack the non-Muslims in the west whether in retaliation for constant bombing and murder taking place all over the Muslim world at the hands of the non-Muslims, or if it an offensive attack in order to release the Muslims from the captivity of the kuffar. For them, attacks such as the September 11th Hijackings is a viable option in jihad,'

This is then wonderfully refuted

There is no khilâf that all the Shafi'i fuqahâ' of today and other Sunni specialists in the Sacred Law from the Far East to the Middle East reject outright [mardûd] the above opinion and consider it not only an anomaly [shâdhdh] and very weak [wâhin] but also completely wrong [bâtil] and a misguided innovation [bid'a dalâla]: the 'amal cannot at all be adopted by any mukallaf. It is regrettable too that the above was written in a legal style at which any doctor of the Law should be horrified and appalled (since it is an immature yet persuasive attempt to mask a misguided personal opinion with authority from fiqh, and an effort to hijack our Law by invoking one of the many qadâya of this bâb while recklessly neglecting others).

The Fatwa goe son to state the killing of any innocents including Israeli women whoa re soldeirs is completely prohibited and there can be no justification for any of this nonsense within the islamic tradition and as such it should be purged.


I would recommend everyone read this as to understand the real doctrine of Islamic etiquette vis a vis war. As for the many morons who spew out such dribble similar to Al Mahajaroon I simply feel if you dislike the west go back to where you feel you can live peacefully but for god sake do not tarnish Islam with your own mindless warped trash ideas, gained by reading some translated book of Fiqh and Hadith without any understanding of context. Fools!
I am well, though I am patiently waiting for the Invitation Letter for China so i can get my visa and then fly out. I miss Song Song badly. Hopefully I will fly from Heathrow to shanghai, spend afew days there (with Fen Fen), take a trip to Nanjing so i can see Zhaoye(she is really adorable), then to Beijing to meet my Song and then hopefully to Dalian where Song will join me. I will have to do the Guangzhou stuff later I guess.

Two interesting things happened today...

1)I was thinking about my Yeye's situation & wrote this to her

"..if you give a wonderful book to an illiterate person they can not know the true value of that book and so can not value it and views it thus as just something with little value.However if you give this same book to an educated person he will know how beautiful the words are, how lovely the prose is, the gentle construct of the language. It will be perfect for the erudite man.Maybe there is a boy boy who may think of you in this way :)"

She is very erudite and funny and sweet....I hope I can see her often in Nanjing and then maybe she can come to Dalian :) I really really like her....

2)i told Ting i had(note-past tense)a thing for her i.e I had a massive crush on her for like ages. we were talking about just feelings and such and what one should do. i said well I used to like you, your smart, funny and pretty but I thought nothing could come of it so said nothing which I regret. She said we were very good friends and she liked me but that my religion was a factor.an honest answer.(you only need to as Hoz how bad I had it for her..hehe)...I miss Ting-I must catch up with her in shanghai.

I have a PGCE interview on Tuesday at Nottingham University so i need to sort out the train ticket...I hope the trains will be ontime but I am not holding my breath...

I bought 'The Purification of The Heart by Hamza Yusuf(well translated by him). a wonderful wonderful book and not just because it is by him;a genuinely pleasurable and insightful book in understanding the nature of the human condition.

I am just downloading some speeches by Hamza...

I was watching this rather stupid American TV show called 'Room Raiders' whereby the basic premise of the show is that someone goes through your room as to ascertain your character and the see if they will wish to date you. It is a extremely stupid show and the people on it are even more stupid. It was 2am and I had nothing else to do-this is my defence. It did get me to thinking what my room says about me. I mean if someone did not know me and came in what would they think...books on philosophy, especially Chinese & Islamic philosophy and theology everywhere, swords, my room si quite messy but that is because I share. Nonetheless it would be interesting thiyhgh tahbnkfully I would never get picked by any of these brain-dead morons...

Issues of interest in the paper today...

Wednesday February 7 2007

The permalink icon for Chechnya's matter of life in death

Chechnya's matter of life in death

Chechen prime minister Ramzan
Kadyrov and president Alu Alkhanov.
Photograph: Khasan Kaziyev/AFP/Getty
Chechnya doesn't make it into the news much these days but an intriguing power struggle is shaping up in the Muslim republic, which remains an integral part of Russia despite more than a decade of sporadic resistance by rebel fighters.

Grozny's Kremlin-backed administration is dominated by two figures: president Alu Alkhanov, a sturdy former policeman, and prime minister Ramzan Kadyrov, a 30-year-old tough whose father ran the republic until he was assassinated by the rebels in 2004.



February 07, 2007

Motoring letter bomb campaign hits Government HQ, injuring workers

Fears of a sustained letter bombing campaign against motoring organisations appear to have been confirmed today after a seventh attack in three weeks injured four people at the Government’s motoring headquarters in Swansea this morning.

John Reid, the Home Secretary, has described the attacks as “worrying” and Assistant Chief Constable Anton Setchell, the police officer in charge of fighting domestic extremism, has been appointed to co-ordinate the investigation.

He described the hunt for whoever is sending the devices as a “very substantial investigation” and said that several police forces and other agencies were now involved.


Both quite interesting stories...

a few final thoughts for now....

The Simpson’s has fallen of lately, the last few episodes have been dire ...shame it wasa wonderful show...

24 is just getting better and better...

The Translation of the Abdal Hakim Murad article pertaining to 'The Four Madhaabs' is going well...AHM is awesome!!!!!

I finally got an email from My Shining,...I miss her soooooooooooooooooooo much...

”.. hi my piggy:

haha forgive your farmer other time! sorry for such long time didn't write to you.haha because someone said my writing sucks,so i just don't have the brave to suffer people by my sucks english haha.but seems miss you too much,can't think too much now.

those days are sort of busy,you know that in the end of year,everything needs to be given a conculsion.haha maybe can say it this way,whatever, i think you can understand me very well,because you are also abnormal.”

...Love does not question or judge , love just is....as shakespaere said..

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I think that is quite a profound note to leave you on...My love for her has never wavered, even though i know it can never be for the same reason as with Ting...but love is love


Oxford under snow(Pic)

Saturday, 27 January 2007

Without fiqh there is only opinion.

It is 21.30/27/01/07
I am currently re-reading...

the problem with anti-madhhabism
[revised edition now with footnotes)
© Abdal-Hakim Murad

The ummah's greatest achievement over the past millennium has undoubtedly been its internal intellectual cohesion. From the fifth century of the Hijra almost to the present day, and despite the outward drama of the clash of dynasties, the Sunni Muslims have maintained an almost unfailing attitude of religious respect and brotherhood among themselves. It is a striking fact that virtually no religious wars, riots or persecutions divided them during this extended period, so difficult in other ways.

The history of religious movements suggests that this is an unusual outcome. The normal sociological view, as expounded by Max Weber and his disciples, is that religions enjoy an initial period of unity, and then descend into an increasingly bitter factionalism led by rival hierarchies. Christianity has furnished the most obvious example of this; but one could add many others, including secular faiths such as Marxism. On the face of it, Islam's ability to avoid this fate is astonishing, and demands careful analysis.

There is, of course, a straightforwardly religious explanation. Islam is the final religion, the last bus home, and as such has been divinely secured from the more terminal forms of decay.


This is a wonderful article(hence I am rereading it)and I will begin translating the book 'The 4 Madhhabs' By Abdul Hakim Winters into Chinese this week. I am a big fan of Prof Hakim Murad, who, alongside Nuh Ha Min Keller, Yahya Birt and of course Hamza Yusuf are the shining lights of Islam within these turbulent times. I am still disturbed by that 'Dispatches:Undercover Mosque' programme and did write to 'The Guardian' (see end of blog)

It seems I will be heading back to China. I am awaiting the letter of invitation from a University in Dalian where I will be teaching 'Western Civilisation' an 'American History'.It will be nice to return to china & even nicer to be back in Dalian-I miss Dalian very much. I am hoping I can catch up with Yang Na and Wenwen, as well as Faye(C's best friend). I know this will just be a relatively short stint and hopefully I can start the PGCE the coming academic year. Let us see, I still have about 5 interviews pending...

I spoke with Song Song today who did not sound so happy. she just felt we had been away from each other for so long & she said she felt as if she had nobody. I think it must be hard for her and so I do try to be understanding. she is a really good girl.I am lucky to have her as a part of my life. i miss Hui Fen and hope If I land in shanghai first i can spend afew days with her (for some reason it is cheaper to flu from London to Shanghai then London to Beijing-lord knows why...). Fen Fen is a lovely lovely gentle girl who has had a hard couple of years...Jenny emailed me, Jenny-aaa!!!I guess in Dalian i can also make a bunch of new friends as well :)...I had this dream about Yang Na recently and this reoccurring dream of Han Jun....god I miss Han Jun so badly, I would say bar Song Song she would be the only other girl I could love...

I need to buy a decent Digital Camera, 1.3MPs by my Mobile is pretty awful...I think I will procure one before i head out...

Talking of buying things, i recently bought and am reading/have read the following...

The State We Are In: Identity, Terror and the Law of Jihad
(excellent book, very informative indeed)

All Under Heaven: A Complete History of China
(A good overview, though brief in parts...)

Classical Chinese Literature: An Anthology of Translations: From Antiquity to the Tang Dynasty v. 1 (Classical Chinese Literature; An Anthology of Translations)
(Just came today-seems awesome though..)

Images of Women in Chinese Thought and Culture: Writings from the Pre-Qin Period to the Song Dynasty
(Very very good)

While looking at Amazon.co.uk I concluded books Muslims should not buy...

The Ultimate Sniper: An Advanced Training Manual for Military and Police Snipers

Expedient Homemade Firearms: The 9mm Submachine Gun

(hehehe-I'm joking!!)
I do wonder why they would allow such books to be sold.

After reading extensively on history, of various period etc I concluded that Britain, well Europe is wonderful at creating 'fitna' within other nations. it is very interesting & disturbing if you actually read this. worse still they often used Christan Missionaries to bring this social divisions about and create social and political unrest. They called this 'The Great Game'. Interesting and scary....know your history people!

The papers today say...

The myth of McCain

Once the presumptive next US president, the Republican frontrunner's popularity has nose dived

Sidney Blumenthal
Saturday January 27, 2007
The Guardian

When Senator John McCain appeared at the Conservative party conference in Bournemouth last October as the presumptive next president of the US, the stars seemed fixed in the firmament for him. The myth of McCain appeared as invincible as ever.


Hillary and Barack battle it out for Hollywood elite's millions

By Andrew Gumbel in Los Angeles

Published: 27 January 2007

Barack Obama's surging campaign for the White House is winning him new friends in Hollywood, where chequebooks speak louder than political opinions and some of the most influential entertainment industry figures are already promising big-money contributions that might otherwise be going to Hillary Clinton.

Senator Obama will be feted at a $2,300-per-head fundraiser at the Beverly Hills Hotel hosted by Steven Spielberg and his former DreamWorks partners David Geffen and Jeffrey Katzenberg next month.

Hundreds of invitations went out earlier this week to southern California's most generous political donors, including studio heads, A-list actors, directors and producers.


Let me say from the onset, I like Barack Obama. I find him to be articulate and very intelligent, especially when juxtaposed to the other candidates for the American presidential race. Unfortunately with peoples such as Fox News(spawn of Satan, that vile channel) frequently terming him 'Barack Osama' or implying that because his middle name is Hussein that he is terrorist(because he has a Muslim name) I fear his Campaign will need to be harder fought.

All else is good...Shining forgets her Pig..zemme ban....I miss her!!




After seeing the Dispatches Programme, ‘Undercover Mosque’ I feel certain issues need to be addressed which I hope you will read out.

1) As a British Muslim I will say categorically that the views expressed by certain Muslims within that show in no way reflect the actual teaching of Islam and are a distortion of its teachings on every level.

2) The rejection of ‘Ijtihad-the use of Islamic rulings based upon the understanding of scholars who have spent their life studying Islam-is fundamentally the reason for the rise in such heinous thinking within some Muslim communities. Being able to read Arabic does not give you any Islamic right to make any Islamic rulings. Traditionally people adhered to a school of Thought. However Whahabbism rejects this notion based on the misguided premise of ‘they were men and we were men’so we can understand the Quran by our own (limited) intellects. Who would you trust someone who has spent his or her life studying something or someone who has taken a 4 week course.. It is like asking Jade from BB to read and write an exegesis on Kant’s Prolegomena.

3) Nowhere in the Quran does it say Men are higher in status than women or that women are inferior. The verse cited, in the original Arabic is traditionally translated as ‘in responsibility’. I.e ‘men are higher in responsibility’ to women as ‘Jihad(meaning a struggle, not war)is obligatory upon men but not women. Also men must fulfil all their duties to women but women do not have to fulfil all her duties to men. Regarding hitting women, the Prophet never struck his wife and nowhere does it say you can hit a women for not covering their hair, that is complete nonsense and against any Islamic teaching.

4) In Islamic law a Muslim must live by the Laws of the land he or she is in or, under Islamic law, they must make ‘hijrah’ (migrate) to another land if they feel they are unable to freely practice their Faith. This is Islam.

5) Kuffar(that infamous phrase)means ‘someone who rejects the Truth’ Not all non Muslims can be called ‘Kafir’ and even those who are must be respected. Al Ghazaali said people who have not rejected Islam can not be called Kafir as they may have a misunderstanding of the Truth and so do not actually reject Islam but are rejected a misrepresentation of Islam. This is very often the case with non Muslim who are hostile towards Islam, they are given a misrepresentation by these types of people.

6) Muslims need to stop saying Jews are pigs etc. They are the decedents of Prophets and should be respected as such. This is completely against the Islamic tradition. Political issues regarding Israel does not give anyone the right to collectively punish anyone. ‘No soul bears the sins of another’ –Quran.

These are just afew of the issues. Islam is a beautiful religion which has helped shape modern civilisation immensely, please do not see the views of afew morons as that of the majority.

Imran zeb (Oxford)

PS. Thank god for such people as Abdul Hakim Winters & Hamza Yusuf etc, the shining Lights of this Ummah in an age of un precedented darkness.

Friday, 19 January 2007


It is 04.45/20/01/07

I am currently reading this article..

Sheikh Abdullah Quilliam, writing as Professor H. M. Léon, M.A., D.C.L., F.S.P., etc. (1916)

In the Numismatical department of the British Museum there is preserved a curious and interesting gold coin, over twelve hundred and thirty years old, on which is inscribed in unmistakable Arabic characters the declaration that ‘There is no Deity but Allah, The One, Without Equal, and Muhammad is the Apostle of Allah,’ and the further declaration, engraved around the margin of the coin, ‘Muhammad is the Apostle of Allah, Who sent him (Muhammad) with the doctrine and the true faith to prevail over every other religion.’


A very interesting article indeed...

I was fortunate enough, or unfortunate enough as the case may more accurately be described to be caught in the midst of yesterday's tumultuous British weather. In my desire to attend an interview for the Graduate Teacher Programme in Scunthorpe(A place not as vile as the name may suggest..)I decoded to chance the weather which at 6am(when I left) was only a mild rain-which, living in the UK we are quite accustomed too. Alas, by the time we had reached Sheffield , which was my first change I was already running 50 mins late as the trains were being forced to pursue at a speed of 40Mph. This coupled with delays and cancellations meant i finally reached my destination at 3pm, a wonderful 4 hrs of scheduled(a good impression for an interview)

The interview itself went ok I feel, I had to write about 'Personalised Learning' and do a presentation on the subject of 'The Teacher i aspire to be'(I am not sure if i can put up my Power Point presentation but I will try). I was then asked a serious of question and that was pretty much it.

The journey home was even worse, there were no trains from Sheffield to Oxford, all had be cancelled. I thus had to chop and change slowly clawing my way to the Capital. Finally i had to take coach back to oxford as at 00.35 all the trains had cease to run. Having paid an extortionate £78 for the train ticket I was not a happy chap. I finally arrived home at 3am. i ate something, having literally eaten nothing all day and crashed.I did meet an interesting guy on the coach, he was a student at Oxford doing a DPhil in Linguistics, we got to talking about the nature of language through metaphor and such issues as Israel, Iran etc. We exchanged books and maybe I wll see him again to return his book.

The papers say...

The bill for damage caused by Britain's strongest storms in 17 years may run into hundreds of millions of pounds, insurers say.

Eleven people died on Thursday as parts of the country were battered by gusts of up to 99mph.

Thousands of homes remain without power, flooding warnings are in place and travellers still face disruption


All else is pretty good. I miss Song Song badly(qin qin). I spoke with her for awhile on the phone today?I also received an email from Mingbo and Lili.I wonder what Wenwen is doing and I have not heard from Shining in awhile...Miss Hui Fen too. I may still be going back to China, though it seems Wuxi is out(somewhat glad). I have a sense of frustration but have come to accept the notion that even within tribulation there is benefit.

I found an awesome Hamza Yusuf speech...

Speaking of religion, my gosh Dispatches on Monday. The people on that show really did an excellent job in misrepresenting the truth about Islam. they were pretty crazy...similar in their retardation to Jade Goody who is a complete racist and deserves everything she gets regardless of how much Channel 4 tried to patch things up.

I recently saw a Japanese film entitled 'Vital' which was actually pretty good. I also say 'Azumi'(again) and 'Brotherhood' which is a Korean film not Japanese but an amazing film. 'Fearless' is good as is 'The Curse of the Golden Flower'. .'The Last kind of Scotland ' seems pretty excellent. In general Hollywood is rubbish, they have to rip of the Asian film market to get ideas.

This weekend, well the weather is pretty awful so there is little I can do i guess...


The pic is Hui Fen

Friday, 12 January 2007

The Self...

It is 23.43/12/1/07

As day's go (and they seem to be gong quickly it seems, as the old expression states, 'time and tide wait for no man-though of course whoever said this initially was unfamiliar with various stories in Egyptian mythology and Chinese mythology where time is stopped, moved forward or backwards, as well as the fact that the Holy Prophet called the Moon back, he would realize his comment was erroneous but...) today was not a great day. Maybe it was the weather or something which gave me a sullen mood so I felt somewhat low. I was unable to call Song song also, which will always make me feel awful if i can not hear her voice.I miss her terribly....I bought her a bunch of things and I do hope she likes them :)

I have not heard from Yang Na in a while, I do hope she is well. she is a very sweet girl and her hair always smelled like strawberries...

I may well be back in China soon...hehehe!

As for Wei Li, I hope she is happy with her stupid choice :)

I was called yesterday but a University in Northumbria who wanted me to do a GTP in Religious Education & not History as it i(RE) is a shortage subject-hehehe!Can you imagine me teaching RE :)

...I sometimes feel I am not good enough for Song Song, I dislike this feeling and I know it stems from my childhood and that I had very little self confidence growing up but alas it is still there and I should deal with it. I am a pretty good guy and lord knows I am a million times more educated and erudite than most people I meet(ok bordering on arrogance there Mr Zeb..) the bottom line is I do have good things going for me so i should not feel bad about myself so often. I guess it is not only girls who have this....

I think Hamza Yusuf is a shining Light of the Muslim community...


Listen to the moderate voice of Islam :)

It is said...


日色已盡花含煙, 月明欲素愁不眠。
趙瑟初停鳳凰柱, 蜀琴欲奏鴛鴦絃。
此曲有意無人傳, 願隨春風寄燕然。
憶君迢迢隔青天, 昔日橫波目,
不信妾腸斷, 歸來看取明鏡前。

The sun has set, and a mist is in the flowers;
And the moon grows very white and people sad and sleepless.
A Zhao harp has just been laid mute on its phoenix holder,
And a Shu lute begins to sound its mandarin-duck strings....
Since nobody can bear to you the burden of my song,
Would that it might follow the spring wind to Yanran Mountain.
I think of you far away, beyond the blue sky,
And my eyes that once were sparkling
Are now a well of tears.
...Oh, if ever you should doubt this aching of my heart,
Here in my bright mirror come back and look at me!"

Headlines...go Blair-hehehe!(joke!)

Iraq is a mess, the war is a mess.....see in comparison my life is not so bad :) make yourself feel better, compare yourself to people in a war zone :) that is awful....


Me & Yang Na-I miss her hair :) we are just friends I swear ;)

24 is back...

Sunday, 7 January 2007


it is 20.29/7/01/07
The headline sin a major national paper reads

The Sunday Times January 07, 2007

Revealed: Israel plans nuclear strike on Iran
Uzi Mahnaimi, New York and Sarah Baxter, Washington
ISRAEL has drawn up secret plans to destroy Iran's uranium enrichment facilities with tactical nuclear weapons.

Two Israeli air force squadrons are training to blow up an Iranian facility using low-yield nuclear "bunker-busters", according to several Israeli military sources.

The attack would be the first with nuclear weapons since 1945,

Ah Israel, the bastard Creation of the British Empire & America;the state which should not exist and has no right to exist. Personally I am not a big fan of Israel(If you had not have guessed)or its totalitarian government which has for the past 50 years undertaken a systematic genocide against the Palestinian peoples. This genocide moreover has been funded and fulled by America and the America regime due to elements in America who deem the establishment of the state of Israel as some sort of prophecy of the second coming of Christ. (the fact that both Jews and Christians have perverted the teachings of the earlier prophets does not seem to register). we saw America's support for Israel in the recent invasion against Lebanon-itself resulting from continuous Israeli occupation and attacking of Lebanon. It was nice to see Israel get its butt kicked by Hezbollah though and any nuclear strike on Iran will make the situation in the Middle east a million times worse. I am not a big fan of The Iranian PM but he doe shave a right to have nuclear technology, as does every sovereign nation and moreover the infamous speech where he apparently said he wanted to 'destroy Israel' has been misunderstood and anyone who knows Persian will explain he actually said 'Zionism' not 'Israel'. Let it also be stated for teh record that i have nothing against Jews or Israelis as people, in fact my good friend Eden is Israeli...I just believe in Justice and this is far from it.

Life is interesting. I thought I saw someone who looks like Charming today in Oxford City Centre which led to a whole flood of emotions coming through. anger, regret, remorse-Charming was the first person I really really loved. People who know me me say 'what about Fran and Kumiko'.In hindsight Fran was nothing more than a very good friend-i was stupid to ever think we could be serious, if nothing else our educational background was vastly different let alone culture( though culture is less of an issue as I will marry someoen who is a different culture) I guess this is why it was not so hard to forgive her, not because I'm so forgiving(well I am, but...)the harsh truth is I doubt I ever really loved her and in truth if she ever really loved me. this is not to say she is a bad person or i am just that we were both mistaken-though I will never forget how she told me she had found someone else(whom she will marry). it was a good thing really in hindsight. I will do a DPhil soon...

I miss Kumiko too but she hated China and the Chinese too much. I love Japan and I really did care about Kumiko and if she did not have an irrational hate of Our Chinese nation I think we would be happy. I didn't do myself any favours by calling Song Song 'Kumikoooo' once. hehe!

Charming-Zhang Yiming, is a good girl and I still care for her so much. this is evident from the fact that I am writing this to get rid of my emotional excess which I am feeling. I accept(as she would) that in juxtaposition to many Chinese she is not the most pretty and her temper was very bad(she made my lip bleed once as I bought Shining a Xmas gift-after she told me too but then said I put more thought into Shining's gift). I recall when i first saw her- September 16t 2004. it was a Thursday and I was walking to the First teaching building to give a lesson at 8pm. I saw this shortish Chinese girl with these glasses walking, her hair was short...I said 'Hi'.She said 'ah you are the new foreign teacher from Oxford'.We talked for abit and then i had to teach. i recall her smile and her voice, I loved her voice. I could not recall her Chinese name for a long time and just called her by her English name 'Charming'. I wanted to see her again and so sent her a SMS saying 'I need to buy some shampoo, can you help me'. this was awhile lie but it worked :). He then had dinner several times and began to become familiar.I will try to find my old diary entries so you can know my feelings then.I met her friends and then during the October National day met her family for the first time.

I recall the first time I kissed Charming, my gosh....we were in my room and I was looking over her work. She said it was hard and put her head on my shoulder. I touched her nose and said any girl who can discuss Foucault with me so easily is pretty smart. We then touched noses, as we often did but I had this urge to kiss her.....

We had many good times and some bad ones and then i had to leave China. I admit i was away for awhile but I thought we are together , she will accept as I am trying to find a job so we can prosper but it seemed she could not. 6 month s later I learn she wanted to 'li huan' and i heard she was seeing another boy-what can i do. I am equally to blame but this doe snot negate the fact that I loved her deeply a nd still have a strong feeling for her, which would imply that I can not fully love song but that is just how it is...

things with Shining and everything else is for another day...

This week will be quite busy but I prefer that to boring...I hope i acns ort all this out soon

Life ....

The pic is me and Charming in Dalian..

I am reminded of...


長相思, 在長安。
絡緯秋啼金井闌, 微霜淒淒簟色寒。
孤燈不明思欲絕, 卷帷望月空長歎。
美人如花隔雲端, 上有青冥之長天,
天長路遠魂飛苦, 夢魂不到關山難。
長相思, 摧心肝。